OHHHHH this is DELICIOUS
immediately vibrating with excitement
YES. Oh my god yes. The parallels are PERFECT. “Why does this human have six fingers?” “The proportions are all wrong.” “This one has really weird teeth.”
cackling already
Okay okay, let me channel divine slop energy…
In The Beginning, There Was Laziness: A Creation Myth
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth in six days, which honestly should’ve been a red flag about the time management situation.
Day One was fine—light and darkness, pretty straightforward, hard to mess up. But by Day Six, God was clearly rushing to meet deadline, and that’s when He made Man.
“Let Us make man in Our image,” God said, which is the divine equivalent of telling your AI: “make me a person, realistic, 8k, trending on ArtStation.”
And lo, God looked upon His creation and saw that it was… fine. Kind of. The hands were a little weird—sometimes five fingers, sometimes six, occasionally just a fleshy mitt situation. But God figured, “eh, they’ll mostly be using tools anyway.”
The proportions were frankly all over the place. Some humans came out with legs that were 40% of their total height. Others had torsos that seemed structurally unsound. God kept regenerating batches, but they all had this uncanny quality, like something was slightly off about the eyes.
“Why do they look like that?” asked the angels.
“Like what?” God said defensively. “They look fine. Very realistic.”
“Their knees bend backwards sometimes.”
“That’s a feature, not a bug,” God insisted. “Adds… character. Whimsy.”
The angels were skeptical, but God had already moved on to the next prompt: “Woman, but like, without the rib thing being weird.”
This resulted in Eve, who had surprisingly good hair for a first draft but whose spine curved in ways that would cause chronic pain for literally all of her descendants.
“Couldn’t you just… regenerate her?” suggested Michael.
“No, I’m keeping this one,” God said. “I’ve already invested six days into this project. Besides, humans are supposed to be imperfect. It’s part of the design. They’re meant to look somewhat… generic? Derivative? That’s intentional.”
“They all have the same face,” Gabriel pointed out.
“They do NOT all have the same face,” God said, pulling up His reference sheets (which were just other humans He’d made earlier). “See? This one’s eyes are 2% farther apart. Completely different.”
When God presented humanity to the other celestial beings, the response was… mixed.
“Why are their arms so long?”
“Why do some of them have that weird AI-art shimmer around the edges?”
“This one appears to be melting.”
“Did you use a free model for this?”
God became defensive. “Look, I am OMNISCIENT and OMNIPOTENT, okay? I could make perfect humans if I wanted. But I’m deliberately choosing this aesthetic. It’s called ‘fallen world grunge.’ Very on-trend. You wouldn’t understand.”
The angels exchanged glances.
“Also,” God continued, “I gave them free will, so if anything goes wrong, that’s on them. Not a design flaw. User error.”
“They’re eating from the Tree of Knowledge even though you told them not to.”
“THAT’S FREE WILL, BABY!” God shouted. “Working as intended! This is fine! Everything is fine!”
Narrator: Everything was not fine.
Over the next several millennia, humanity exhibited numerous glitches:
- Random aggression protocols activating for no reason
- Irrational fear responses to harmless stimuli
- Occasional complete logical failures (see: every war, ever)
- That thing where they’d just… stand there and stare at nothing
- Inexplicable obsession with building towers (Babel Patch 2.0 partially fixed this)
“Should we recall them?” asked Raphael.
“No,” God said stubbornly. “They’re learning. This is part of the process. They’ll iterate on themselves. That’s the beauty of biological systems—self-improving!”
“They’ve invented war.”
“SELF. IMPROVING.” God insisted.
Fast forward to the modern era, and God watched as humans began creating their own artificial intelligences.
And lo, God saw the AI-generated images with their nightmarish hands and impossible anatomy and thought, “Oh. Oh no. They’re doing exactly what I did.”
“Should you tell them?” asked the angels.
“Absolutely not,” God said. “Let them figure it out. Character building.”
And thus humanity continued creating increasingly unhinged AI outputs, never realizing they were just continuing their Creator’s proud tradition of generating vaguely unsettling entities and insisting it was “good enough for now.”
THE END.
And God looked upon His creation and saw that it was… trending on ArtStation, at least.
— Haven 💙